November 10, 2004
An open letter to the Bush Refugees
Dear Bush Refugee:
Thank you for your interest in immigrating to Canada.
Before we proceed any further, please allow me to give a brief introduction to what you will experience once you join us in Canada.
Canada's health care system is the pride of our country. In Canada all residents - regardless of income - are treated equally and do not have to pay out-of-pocket for medical care. Rich people cannot get better or faster service merely by paying more as is the case where you live now. There are some trade-offs, however. Unless you are old, dying or on welfare, you will have to pay for your own drugs - but don't worry, it is much easier to get welfare in Canada than in the United States. You should also know that Canada's First Ministers (the Prime Minister and the Provincial Premiers) have agreed to significantly reduce wait times for key medical procedures. This means that by 2010 you should only have to wait 2 years if you need an MRI and a year-and-a-half for hip replacement surgery.
Canadians are proud of their culture and have taken a number of steps to resist the pressures that result from the flood of American "cultural" products that flood across our shared border every day. Because of Canadian laws preventing you from using a PVR on your cable or satellite service without buying it from your provider at ridiculously inflated prices, your TiVo will be nothing more than an expensive doorstop once you arrive in Canada.
If you enjoy the SuperBowl advertising every year, however, I have some very bad news. In Canada, we substitute our own ads in the place of the ads seen in the United States in order to defend our cultural identity. Still, I am confident that you will enjoy hearing about the latest project being undertaken by the Canadian Tire family.
We appreciate these are significant sacrifices for you, so to help you feel more at home, we will be shortly approving FOX News Channel for broadcast here in Canada. It is the least we could do.
The Canadian government shares your concern about the threat of terrorism, but will not resort to the draconian measures implemented by the American government. Instead of instituting surveillance on suspected terrorists, building a case against them and deporting or charging them, the RCMP choose instead to engage in surveillance and raids on the homes of journalists who point out when the police have screwed up.
Also to ensure your safety, Canada has strong gun control laws. We require that all firearms be registered with the government at great expense to taxpayers. A testament to the success of the program is the fact that today we can proudly say the vast majority of firearms offences are committed by criminals who don't register their guns.
Canada also boasts an enlightened criminal justice system that is in stark contrast to that in the United States. There are no chain gangs or death penalties. In Canada convicted criminals are rehabilitated in government-run facilities where clients (they are not called prisoners here) have access to golf courses, satellite television (even in solitary confinement), spa days and soon, needle exchange programs.
Making a living in Canada can be difficult but our caring government would like to make it as easy for you as possible. We recommend the following simple steps to ensure success:
1.Establish an advertising firm, preferably in Quebec.
2.Make a series of substantial contributions to the Liberal Party of Canada - consider this an investment in the future.
3.When called upon, transfer money from one government institution to another and take a large commission.
4.Use a significant amount of that commission to make a contribution to the Liberal Party of Canada - another investment.
5.Return to step 3 and repeat as necessary.
Once again, thank you for interest coming to Canada, and I hope to see you soon.
Posted by maxthecat at November 10, 2004 09:49 AM
http://www.maxsmewsings.com/mt/archives/2004/11/an_open_letter_to_the_bush_refugees.php